13 Things Worse Than Getting Kicked In the Groin

1. N+1 kicks to the groin
2. A lifetime of regret
3. Bad hair day
4. Getting beheaded with a toothpick
5. Falling in love with your kidnapper
6. Winning the lottery before your eighteenth birthday
7. The rain
8. Despite all your rage still just being a rat in a cage
9. Layovers
10. Whose groin is it anyway?
11. Binge watching your life pass before your very eyes
12. An arrow shot true into the weak spot of your scaly hide
13. Being the last of your friends to try Nutty Cow

8 Ways to Know Your Addictions Have Gone Too Far

1. Friends all anonymous
2. Know when to stop but forgot how to start
3. Interventions scheduled for Tuesdays
4. Recognize your front door while watching COPS live
5. Your dignity has asked for a divorce
6. Cats vote you out of the house
7. Hoarding causes sinkhole
8. Built castle with empty Nutty Cow containers

13 Fantastic Reasons To Stop Running

1. Treadmill getting dizzy
2. Other contestants have gone home
3. Problems solved
4. Nowhere left to go
5. Loser rats proclaim you race's winner
6. Trip over beard
7. Pebble stuck in shoe enters bloodstream
8. Neighborhood children beat you up stairs to museum
9. Bionic legs run out of batteries
10. Would rather be earning calories
11. Meant to go to Burning Man, not Running Man
12. No longer being chased
13. Realize hunger inside you was for Nutty Cow

12 Surefire Ways To Know You're Pregnant

1. You feel sicker than usual in the morning
2. It was foretold in the prophecy
3. Paparazzi following you to OBGYN appointments
4. Clothes getting tighter and you've run out of other excuses
5. In-laws suddenly interested in your health
6. You're on maternity leave
7. You get punched by a tiny fist in the middle of the night
8. Body feels like it's inhabited by an alien
9. Current heir to the throne plotting your demise
10. Your lust for human flesh is replaced with a craving for pickles
11. Feeling lots of side effects but don't remember taking any drugs
12. Dreaming of baby names that rhyme with Nutty Cow

10 Indicators You're Madly In Love

1. Larvae in stomach hatch into butterflies
2. Phone calls returned
3. Showering ever day now
4. Alternate between anger, lust
5. Single friends insanely jealous
6. You've changed everything about yourself
7. Dowry check cleared
8. Bought Ouija board for sleepovers
9. Feel some remorse for philandering
10. Willing to share Nutty Cow

8 Fun Things To Do With Your Frenemies

1. Relaxing weekend at the Bates Motel
2. Choose one person to all fall in love with
3. Play for keeps
4. Join a conspiracy
5. Explore the local cult scene
6. Multilevel marketing
7. Reality TV show
8. Competitively eat Nutty Cow

12 Clues You Might Not Be Alive

1. You feel worms crawling inside your skull
2. You have wings
3. You can't remember the last time you had an in-body experience
4. Your house is only haunted whenever you're in it
5. Your dating preferences have changed so now you only see dead people
6. Your gravestone says so
7. All your organs are inside other people
8. You're no longer being asked to pay taxes
9. Certain foods used to go right through you; now they all do
10. You've argued with Dante about the inaccuracies in his book
11. The only time people don't run away from you is Halloween
12. You've achieved 100% weight loss
13. You're cursed to wander the earth without eating Nutty Cow