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Tuesday, September 9, 2014

10 Easy Ways To Sound Smarter Than You Really Are

1. Put on thinking cap
2. Surround yourself with even more ignorant people
3. Use big words
4. Stop talking
5. Level the playing field by buying several more rounds
6. Hide your inferiority behind a mask of sarcastic indifference
7. Get a PhD
8. Intimidate anyone who would disagree with you
9. Say it on TV
10. Stuff Nutty Cow into audience's ears

Monday, September 8, 2014

10 Things Hidden In Fine Print

1. The missing floppies
2. Devolution of powers back to the several states
3. True meaning of Christmas
4. An entire DNA sequence written in a grain of rice
5. Whoville
6. Recipe for disaster
7. Microscopic assassins
8. The actual contract
9. Tumbling E's
10. Nutty Cow ingredient list

Sunday, September 7, 2014

50 States To Visit Before You Die

1. Alabama
2. Alaska
3. Arizona
4. Arkansas
5. California
6. Colorado
7. Connecticut
8. Delaware
9. Florida
10. Georgia
11. Hawaii
12. Idaho
13. Illinois
14. Indiana
15. Iowa
16. Kansas
17. Kentucky
18. Louisiana
19. Maine
20. Maryland
21. Massachusetts
22. Michigan
23. Minnesota
24. Mississippi
25. Missouri
26. Montana
27. Nebraska
28. Nevada
29. New Hampshire
30. New Jersey
31. New Mexico
32. New York
33. North Carolina
34. North Dakota
35. Ohio
36. Oklahoma
37. Oregon
38. Pennsylvania
39. Rhode Island
40. South Carolina
41. South Dakota
42. Tennessee
43. Texas
44. Utah
45. Vermont
46. Virginia
47. Washington
48. West Virginia
49. Wisconsin
50. Wyoming

Saturday, September 6, 2014

10 Things To Try Before You Croak

1. Kiss a pig
2. Jump for joy
3. Tongue twister
4. Being one with the log
5. Metamorphosis
6. Something real fly
7. Get your own pad
8. Slip into bed with a pharaoh
9. Play with a sprocket
10. Amphibiously assault a tub of Nutty Cow

Friday, September 5, 2014

14 Things Worse Than Certain Doom

1. Uncertainty
2. Cable out
3. Being forced to do something you don't want to
4. Rejection
5. Gym class
6. Compromising
7. Not taking anyone down with you
8. Public speaking
9. Thinking of perfect comeback after the fact
10. Four Horsemen trample flower bed
11. Can't get no satisfaction
12. Fear and loathing in all the wrong places
13. Liver eaten by eagle on daily basis
14. Nutty Cow sold out

Thursday, September 4, 2014

14 Rocks More Famous Than You

1. Fraggle
2. Castilly
3. Any old rock star
4. The Rock
5. Arkenstone
6. Rock you are hiding under
7. Rock a bye baby
8. Pink Panther
9. The one in the museum
10. Stone that rolls, gathers no moss
11. Asteroid B-612
12. Pet rock
13. Flintstones
14. Nutty Cow, if it were a rock

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

16 Foolproof Dating Strategies

1. Process of elimination
2. Burrow under tree, emerge every 17 years
3. Bingo night
4. Prowl outside speed dating events for the rebound
5. Turn self into frog
6. Wait for AI to improve
7. Sabotage friends' relationships to improve your own chances
8. Administer lie detector test on first date
9. If at first you don't succeed, repeat previous mistakes
10. Accept nothing less than perfection
11. Rifle through celebrity crush's garbage
12. Change relationship status to what it ought to be
13. Wear protection while handling dangerous chemicals together
14. Don't ask, don't tell
15. Become witty & charming
16. Talk with mouth full of Nutty Cow

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

13 Strategies for Surviving A Crocodile Attack

1. Hide
2. Camouflage with Lacoste shirt
3. Pinch self, hope to wake up
4. Swim in non-crocodile-infested waters
5. Put on Crocs before running
6. Tell them you're vegan
7. Don't taste like chicken
8. Renounce fealty to Captain Hook
9. Wrestle crocodiles your own size
10. It can only come with experience
11. Beg for mercy
12. Ask yourself what would Steve Irwin do
13. When given choice between Nutty Cow or life, flip coin

Monday, September 1, 2014

19 Reasons Your Children Are Better Than You

1. Actual father from future
2. Mutant powers
3. Still have fighting chance at success
4. Natural childbirth prevented their whole life from being ruined
5. Their combined IQ is higher than yours
6. Came with money back guarantee
7. Nanny is teaching them foreign language
8. Unlimited screen time gives them healthy glow
9. You've provided them with a perfect example of what not to become
10. TV role models provide more realistic expectations these days
11. Child support payments are the sincerest form of flattery
12. School lunches free of potentially dangerous natural ingredients
13. Have learned to do as you say, not as you do
14. Cyber bullying giving their avatars character
15. Global climate change helping them to live every day as if it's their last
16. Growing up in world free of racism and homophobia
17. No sense of shame, decency
18. Have yet to discover Dark Side
19. Know how to spell Nutty Cow

Saturday, August 30, 2014

9 Things Better Than Marrying Bacon

1. Committed long term relationship without oppressive labels & cultural baggage
2. Being alone with your dignity intact
3. Whatever the opposite of heart disease is
4. Loving someone so much you're willing never to eat them again
5. Not being embarrassed to bring your date to a Bar Mitzvah  
6. Seeking professional help
7. Find someone else within six degrees of separation
8. Being asked "What do you do for protein?" the rest of your life
9. Running away at the altar with Nutty Cow

10 Things Worse Than Being Bored to Tears

1. Being bored to death
2. Apologizing
3. Randomly assigned roommates
4. Commercials
5. Ticket scalpers
6. Ebola
7. Ugly babies
8. Discovering the horrible truth
9. Awkward moments
10. Stuck on desert island without Nutty Cow

Friday, August 29, 2014

9 Ways to Know They're The One

1. Only tells lies you want to hear
2. Holds you to highest double standards
3. Always lets you dump them first
4. Helps you never to forget your past mistakes
5. Ultimatums fair, balanced
6. Don't remember life before them, concussion
7. Can't do any better
8. Safe word is no longer secret
9. Let you watch them eat Nutty Cow

Thursday, August 28, 2014

9 Reasons You Should Be Eating A Cupcake Right Now

1. Either sad or happy
2. Mouth feels empty inside
3. Peer pressure
4. Looks so good, would be crime not to
5. Health food makes you sick
6. Diet looking the other way
7. Support the economy
8. Only one will fit at a time
9. No more Nutty Cow in house

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

8 Signs Your Partner Is Faking It

1. Arguments seem forced
2. Forgot to bring flowers to conjugal visit
3. Prenup has divorce date pre-filled
4. Likes things you don't
5. Denies all your accusations
6. Doesn't stay awake just to watch you sleeping
7. Refuses to cook as well as your mother
8. Finds your hidden stash of Nutty Cow

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Quiz: Are You Living In A Fantasy World?

Truth or Dare?
1. You have an arch nemesis
2. People dye hair blue to match skin
3. Your life has a soundtrack
4. What doesn't kill you gives you XP
5. If you work really hard, one day you might be king/queen
6. You only sleep during routine server maintenance
7. Good always triumphs over evil
8. On quest to find magical elixir of eternal youth (Nutty Cow)

Scoring: 3 pats on back for every Truth, hot poker in eye for every false positive

Monday, August 25, 2014

15 Red Flags Your Government Has Over-Reached

1. Taxes on taxes
2. Questioning reality halted by 5th Amendment
3. X-Files reclassified as documentary
4. Conspiracy theories validated in double blind randomized study
5. Pledge of allegiance replaced with "Resistance is futile"
6. Hunger games no longer fun
7. Freedoms eviscerated in cynical defense of freedom
8. The Man named Person of the Year
9. Everyone yearning for the dystopian past
10. Golden Age of Television coinciding with record inequality
11. Census asking about brand preferences
12. Selective Service getting uppity
13. Secret government meetings held behind closed doors
14. Truths no longer held to be self-evident
15. Nutty Cow hoarded in bunkers across the land

Sunday, August 24, 2014

15 Amazing Places To Find Inspiration

1. Long, hot bath in stock market
2. Internet
3. End of rainbow
4. Back seat of rocket ship
5. Public restroom
6. Death bed
7. Holy Land gift shop
8. Fragile ecosystems
9. Rock bottom
10. Your mind
11. Road trip with unlikely companion
12. Anywhere but here
13. In ER with beaten track
14. Perspiration
15. Nutty Cow container

Saturday, August 23, 2014

Top 10 Reasons To Attend Harvard

1. Couldn't get admitted anywhere else
2. Afraid good weather could lead to bad grades
3. Just looking for an excuse to say "park my car in Harvard yard"
4. VCs want to know you dropped out of a good school
5. Lost faith in Yale football team
6. All the cool kids are doing it
7. Guaranteed to graduate as long as you pay on time
8. Chance to mingle with the 1% for first, last time
9. Diploma will say "Harvard"
10. Will never have to work for Nutty Cow

Friday, August 22, 2014

16 Proven Methods For Getting Over Yourself

1. Back flip
2. Toss diary into bonfire
3. Stare into mirror until you blink
4. Yoga retreat during guilt trip
5. Vulcan mind meld
6. Hide from shadow
7. Solitaire all-nighter
8. Confess sins to strangers
9. Throw pity party
10. Give up otherworldly possessions at seance
11. Sell identity to highest bidder
12. Release worries into wild
13. Replace friends with people who tell you what you want to hear
14. Become part of something bigger, gain weight
15. Family and stuff
16. Eat, pray, love Nutty Cow

Thursday, August 21, 2014

9 Hints You Might Be Vegan

1. Lion & lamb don't feel need to hide illicit love around you
2. Raw foods don't make you violently ill
3. Most of your friends also from planet Vega
4. Sense of superiority completely justified
5. Bathroom books unopened
6. You can detect animal suffering within 100' radius
7. Your junk food isn't an oxymoron
8. You wonder how powerful Popeye would have been with kale
9. Will work for Nutty Cow

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

12 Ways To Gauge Your Social Media Strategy Is Working

1. Web traffic up; fatalities down
2. Consumers can recall brand after 30 wrong guesses
3. Angry mob outside not holding pitchforks
4. It’s in the FAQ
5. You’re on so many social networks you’ve forgotten all the passwords
6. Social media expert demands a raise
7. Break into top 300,000 website list
8. Hardly cheating at popularity contest
9. No longer despicable in approval matrix
10. Fads you like are trending
11. Now second to last to know
12. Office mates reading check-ins to time stealing your Nutty Cow

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Quiz: Are You Lost?

True or False?
1. Don't recognize names on monogrammed towels
2. You would stop and ask for directions, but you don't speak fish
3. Still digging and haven't reached China
4. Even the mirages are dead ends
5. Objects in mirror closer than they appear, but Planet Earth is only a tiny speck
6. Minotaur doesn't know either
7. GPS is panicking
8. Kids stopped asking "Are we there yet?" days ago
9. Dungeon master swears to never let you play again
10. You've passed the same bridge so many times, Grumpy Old Troll has run out of riddles
11. You're not on your way to or from buying Nutty Cow

Scoring: 5 points for every True, 10 points for every lie. Divide by 42. If answer is greater than 0, you are lost.

Monday, August 18, 2014

The 1 Thing You Should Never Bring To A Knife Fight

1. Yourself

12 Genetically Modified Organisms That Terrify Us

1. Popcorn
2. Killer tomatoes
3. Man-eating plants that eat women too
4. Love child of flying piranha and flaming cockroach
5. Hollywood
6. Instagrammed selfies
7. Godzilla reboot
8. Government bodies with three letter names
9. Multinational conglomerates
10. Zombie cannibals
11. Medical martinis
12. People who don't like Nutty Cow

Sunday, August 17, 2014

13 Things Worse Than Getting Kicked In the Groin

1. N+1 kicks to the groin
2. A lifetime of regret
3. Bad hair day
4. Getting beheaded with a toothpick
5. Falling in love with your kidnapper
6. Winning the lottery before your eighteenth birthday
7. The rain
8. Despite all your rage still just being a rat in a cage
9. Layovers
10. Whose groin is it anyway?
11. Binge watching your life pass before your very eyes
12. An arrow shot true into the weak spot of your scaly hide
13. Being the last of your friends to try Nutty Cow

Saturday, August 16, 2014

8 Ways to Know Your Addictions Have Gone Too Far

1. Friends all anonymous
2. Know when to stop but forgot how to start
3. Interventions scheduled for Tuesdays
4. Recognize your front door while watching COPS live
5. Your dignity has asked for a divorce
6. Cats vote you out of the house
7. Hoarding causes sinkhole
8. Built castle with empty Nutty Cow containers

Friday, August 15, 2014

13 Fantastic Reasons To Stop Running

1. Treadmill getting dizzy
2. Other contestants have gone home
3. Problems solved
4. Nowhere left to go
5. Loser rats proclaim you race's winner
6. Trip over beard
7. Pebble stuck in shoe enters bloodstream
8. Neighborhood children beat you up stairs to museum
9. Bionic legs run out of batteries
10. Would rather be earning calories
11. Meant to go to Burning Man, not Running Man
12. No longer being chased
13. Realize hunger inside you was for Nutty Cow

Thursday, August 14, 2014

12 Surefire Ways To Know You're Pregnant

1. You feel sicker than usual in the morning
2. It was foretold in the prophecy
3. Paparazzi following you to OBGYN appointments
4. Clothes getting tighter and you've run out of other excuses
5. In-laws suddenly interested in your health
6. You're on maternity leave
7. You get punched by a tiny fist in the middle of the night
8. Body feels like it's inhabited by an alien
9. Current heir to the throne plotting your demise
10. Your lust for human flesh is replaced with a craving for pickles
11. Feeling lots of side effects but don't remember taking any drugs
12. Dreaming of baby names that rhyme with Nutty Cow

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

10 Indicators You're Madly In Love

1. Larvae in stomach hatch into butterflies
2. Phone calls returned
3. Showering ever day now
4. Alternate between anger, lust
5. Single friends insanely jealous
6. You've changed everything about yourself
7. Dowry check cleared
8. Bought Ouija board for sleepovers
9. Feel some remorse for philandering
10. Willing to share Nutty Cow

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

8 Fun Things To Do With Your Frenemies

  1. Relaxing weekend at the Bates Motel
  2. Choose one person to all fall in love with
  3. Play for keeps
  4. Join a conspiracy
  5. Explore the local cult scene
  6. Multilevel marketing
  7. Reality TV show
  8. Competitively eat Nutty Cow

Monday, August 11, 2014

12 Clues You Might Not Be Alive

1. You feel worms crawling inside your skull
2. You have wings
3. You can't remember the last time you had an in-body experience
4. Your house is only haunted whenever you're in it
5. Your dating preferences have changed so now you only see dead people
6. Your gravestone says so
7. All your organs are inside other people
8. You're no longer being asked to pay taxes
9. Certain foods used to go right through you; now they all do
10. You've argued with Dante about the inaccuracies in his book
11. The only time people don't run away from you is Halloween
12. You've achieved 100% weight loss
13. You're cursed to wander the earth without eating Nutty Cow